I have enjoyed being a fulltime pastor for about 4 years now…my first six years in the ministry I was a bi-vocational pastor. To tell the truth, in my short time in pastoral ministry, I have spoken, on more occasions than I care to think, to fellow pastors who had gotten lost in the job of shepherding. Some have just given their heart to their church,… and somewhere along the way…somehow… they lost their heart. I can’t say that I don’t understand, because the emotions that swirl around the position of pastor, especially when dreaded church politics get involved, can be more than the best prepared, highly gifted man could take.
One who has not walked in the shoes of the pastor will never understand what it means to be wrapped in the images of past traditions; or memories of a beloved pastor; or, to be related to by others out of experiences that you did not shape; or, to be loved and trusted far beyond anything you deserve; as well as to be hated and feared beyond any reason or cause that you have contributed to. It’s kind of the way it is for pastors…people invest their lives in their chosen spiritual leader, …and the responsibility is awesome! I doubt there is no one besides a pastor who can understand the pastor’s life…except maybe the pastor’s spouse!
When you are a pastor, as much as you want to be and try to be, it is hard to be…yourself. You are the projection of all the ideas, and emotions, and expectations that people have about pastors and the church… both good and bad. Seldom do people really see you for who you truly are. They more likely see who they think you are, or who they want you to be. I think the real danger comes when you begin to see yourself the way that others see you.
It reminds me of a plaque that a pastor received from his congregation for Pastor Appreciation Month. It read: “Pastor, The reason that you man so much to me is that when I look at you, it is Jesus whom I see.” I suppose that deep down inside… what I would like to think people would say when they see me is… “It’s Jesus whom I see.” By the way, just for the record,…I’m not God;…I’m not even Jesus.
I think it best to just remember who I am and live that life with honesty and integrity. Not trying to be the reflection I see in the faces of my congregation, but the reflection I see when I’m in the depths of prayer. Just a sinful man, who was wonderfully and marvelously saved and transformed by the grace of my Savior…trying to fulfill his God-given ministry the best I can.
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