Have you ever known someone who is a perpetual scorekeeper. I mean, they spend their life with scorecards in hand, tallying up the points. I listened to a woman as she just poured out her family's shortcomings to me. The names are all fictitious, but you may recognized some of the players in your life. "Mary never comes to see me," and, the woman began to complain about her granddaughter. "And she never calls me either. I saw her sitting on the other side of the church last week and she didn't even come over and give me a hug." Then, she continued, "Billy is just as bad," talking about her grandson. "He never comes by unless he wants something. I never hear from him, but if he wants money for a mission trip…that’s about the only time I get a letter. He's just like his father…he never pays any attention to me unless he wants something."
Through our time together, this lady mentioned several family members and friends who had disappointed her,…who had not lived up to her expectations, or who had not given her the love she "deserved.” The more I listened; the clearer a picture began to take shape in my mind. I could see my friend with a big stack of scorecards. At the top of each card was a name: a grandchild, a child, a friend, a pastor,…yes, even one with MY name printed across the top.
- If someone telephoned her, they got 1 point.
- If they stopped by for a visit, they got 1 point.
- If they gave her a hug without being asked, they got 1 point.
- If they told her she looked pretty, they got 1 point.
- However, if they did not show the proper display of affection,… they lost 5 points.
- If they did not come by for a visit within the expected amount of time, they lost 5 points.
- If they did not send her a card on the appropriate days, they lost 5 points.
- Birthday cards, Christmas gifts, phone calls, visits, etc, were all tallied on mental score cards for later retrieval.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says, "Love is patient, love is kind...it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs" Love is about giving. Not necessarily about giving money or gifts,… but giving love. Can I say that again? Love is about giving love. Love does not keep records and scorecards of wrongs, or even perceived wrongs. It does not involve an accounting of plusses and minuses. It does not keep a running list of kindnesses to reward those who come out on top, and shun those who do not.
Self-centeredness says, "What has that person done for me lately?” Love says, "What can I do for that person today?" Self-centeredness makes mental lists of how others have disappointed him or her. Love makes mental lists of ways he or she can bless others. Self-centeredness withholds affection and approval from those who don't deserve it. Love gives affection unconditionally because none of us do deserve it. Self-centeredness says, "Come here and give me a hug." Love says, "Come here and let me hug you." Can you tell the difference? Even a ten-year-old certainly can. He or she might not be able to verbalize the difference, or even recognize it, but they certainly feel the difference in the pit of their stomachs and in the tenderness of their hearts.
With genuine love, there are no scorecards. I'm certainly glad God tore up mine long ago. David wrote in Psalm 130:3, "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sin, O Lord, who could stand?" Certainly not me! If God doesn't keep a scorecard, making notes of the ways I have offended Him, or disappointed Him, or not given Him the attention He deserves,… then why do I think I have the right to keep scorecards on the people in my little world. He doesn't give plusses and minuses and then tally up our cards to see whether or not we deserve His love. So why do we do it to others? God gives and gives and gives, and gets very little in return. Why does He do that? Because He loves you and me perfectly and unconditionally.
How about you? Do you keep records and scorecards? Do you keep mental lists of what people do and don't do to deserve your love? If so, you'll never be content or at peace in your relationships. No one may see the scorecards sitting on your coffee table, but they'll know they are there. They will see them in your eyes, they will hear them in the tone of your voice, and they will sense them in your touch. And, there may be a few brave souls who refuse to play the game and decide to bow out of your life altogether.
Here is what I would like to suggest. Tear up the records. Get a stack of index cards. Write one person's name at the top of each card. Start with your children, your grandchildren, your parents, your in-laws, your spouse, your siblings, and…please…don’t forget your pastor. Then move on to your circle of friends. Beside each name, write the words, "Score Card." For example: Pastor John's Score Card. Hold the stack of scorecards in your hand and pray this prayer: "Dear Lord, I am no longer going to keep a scorecard for ____________. Help me love like You love - unconditionally, with no strings attached. Help me to be thankful for the attention I do receive rather than resentful for what I don't. I do not want to become a bitter person that people avoid, but a grateful, graceful person people enjoy. And Lord, whenever I begin to fall into the old habit of making mental notes of how someone did not live up to my expectations, I pray that you will convict me and help me to replace the negative thoughts with a prayer of thanksgiving. In Jesus' Name, Amen
After you have prayed, take each scorecard in your hand and tear it into tiny pieces. Now, throw them away. Be free. And, enjoy life.
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